Today is Halloween.
One day.. He really will reach out for me.
But that day isn't today.
This is a time of year when my thoughts tend to turn toward loved ones that have passed on, and thoughts of what happens to us when we leave this place. Or if we really "leave" at all. I mull these thoughts around in my head from time to time, wrestling with exactly what I think becomes of us at that moment - and if there's any reason for me to think the way I do.
- But that's the subject of an entirely different post that I may make one day.
A more concrete concern for me right now, as a living breathing person, is the mess that my loved ones might have to deal with due to my passing one day. Namely: What do they do with me when my spirit is done hanging around?
As I'm thinking along these lines, I see that Walmart is getting into the Casket business. When I looked at the offerings online, it looked like they had 14 different casket models ranging from $895 to $2899. Here's the "Bronze Sienna" model, that represents the higher end of that scale.
Pretty - but its whole purpose is to be buried in the ground where no one will (hopefully) see it again, so I just don't see the point. It's my understanding that if you buy a casket from most funeral homes, the average price is even higher that Walmart's "top of the line" model.
Add to that the expense of a funeral plot, care for the plot, the funeral expenses... the total expense involved for dealing with a loved one's death can be ridiculous. All at a time when the bereaved are least equipped to deal with it.
Don't get me wrong... you should realize at this point that I'm a huge admirer of cemetery art and graveyard memorial.
I can, and do, spend hours wandering around in old cemeteries.
Some part of me really WANTS there to be a lasting, physical memorial with my name on it. Something that will hold my memory in this place long after I'm gone. Even if it is just in the mind of a photographer walking the lonely paths of some old, spooky graveyard.
But... when I think of the financial cost for this kind of vanity, I pull up short. Just not worth it, in my opinion. My passing will be hard enough on whatever family that I have still living at the time. I don't want to add the financial burden of a modern funeral on top of all the other stress.
I've begun seriously thinking about cremation, at one of the pre-paid places that doesn't provide any of the other expensive frills. Someplace like this. Looking at their website, for $795 they will pick up the deceased from the hospital, provide "containers", transport to the crematory, cremate the remains, give the ashes to the family, and file the death certificate.
Not too frilly, but seems pretty complete for the price to me. This is something that I could pay for next week - and then all my Mrs would have to do is make one phone call after I'm gone and the hassle is done with. I like that thought. Gives me more comfort than the thought of any big fancy funeral would. If I can save them just a little bit of the stress associated with my death - why wouldn't I jump at the chance?
My main concerns:
1. I'm not planning on checking out any time soon. Assuming that I pre-pay now, I don't have any assurance that this place (or any other) will still be in business way down the road when I eventually shuffle off the mortal coil. I really like the aspect of having everything decided and paid for before I go - so that my family just makes a single phone call and everything happens by itself - but I have to make sure the company is going to be here for them at the moment they are needed.
2. What to do with the ashes afterward. My Mrs has said she wants the same after-life arrangment that I come up with, whatever that might be. She wants to hold on to my ashes, assuming that I die first, until she passes away. Then she doesn't so much care what happens to our ashes, as long as it happens to the both of us.
I DO NOT want my daughter to get saddled with a couple of ash filled urns marked Mom and Dad... that's creepy, even for me :)
All this may seem terribly morbid and depressing for some folks -But the way I see it, a little foresight and planning on my part can make a huge difference for the ones I love after I'm gone.
So... what are YOUR final plans?
6 comments:
Move to Georgia. You can get buried here in a cardboard casket, cheap.
I think it's great that you're thinking about these things and preparing for them.
I understand your desire to make it easy on your survivors and, to that end, I agree with your making the arrangements in advance. I would urge you to make arrangements for the disposition of the remains even if you are cremated.
I would caution you, however, if I may be so bold, about eschewing such "vanities" as a formal funeral and some sort of lasting memorial like a headstone or at least a memorial marker somewhere.
Something I've learned from and through the deaths of my Father and other close family members, that some of us who are not vain and don't feel the need to be "venerated" is that the funeral and the marker are not FOR us.
We're dead...what will we care what happens to the vessel we were using while we were on earth? What do we care how our death and/or life is remembered and memorialized? We won't be here to see it.
The funeral, the service, and the lasting memorial are not for US. they are for our loved ones as a part of the grieving process.
The funeral allows them to say their final goodbye to us. It is part of the grieving process, gives a sense of finality, allows them to reflect and celebrate our lives one final time and then put it to rest.
I'm not saying that the funeral is the end of the grieving process or that a good funeral makes the pain of the loss go away...but it is a part of the process and helps make the loss more bearable.
The headstone or marker is, similarly, not FOR you. It is for your survivors, to give them a sense of connection with you, a physical reminder of who and what you were. It also is for generations in the future as they try to return to their roots and seek out the family history. It is a physical reminder of who they are and where they came from. It is hardly "vain" to be a part of your family legacy.
But primarily, those things are a way to help your survivors deal with your passing in a healthy way.
You can help with that by specifically spelling out what you want and making the arrangements before hand...buy your own casket, buy a plot to be buried in, buy your headstone ahead of time...that way they can feel satisfied in knowing that you "got what you wanted" in your passing...but don't eliminate the funeral or headstone because you aren't saving yourself from some expensive vanity, you are robbing your survivors of an important aspect of their grieving process.
In my humble opinion.
Personally, I've always had issues with being burried. I do not like the idea of being eaten by bugs or coming back as a zombie. Call me crazy (many do) but that doesn't sound at all appealing.
I have always wanted to be cremated, and haven't decided wha tto do with the ashes. I am not fond of the cookie jar idea, but have no place where I would want to rest for all eternity.
Regardless of what is decided though, I do realise that whatever path is choosen, there would be a memorial service held, and that cost is still pretty big.
All I can hope for is that if a particular person dares show their face, that my friends and family have the balls to usher them out. That's about the only thing I can think of regarding that day, is the potential conflict. How horrible is that?
Hermit - I don't know that I could leave Texas... even after I'm gone :)
Curt - All very good points, and ones that I consider as well. I'm not opposed at all to a memorial service, as long as it doesn't involve my family forking over buckets of cash to a funeral parlor. Too many other equally satisfying venues to use that won't rake the bereaved over the coals.
I also see the benefits of a "lasting memorial", however I'm trying to fit that in to my philosophy of doing things when they actually count. If I love someone, the time for me to tell them is NOW - not after they are gone. Same hold true in reverse. We need to keep our "tab" current, so to speak and I try to cultivate that type of relationship with those that I care about.
Thanks for you thoughts - they make a lot of sense.
Xmichra - I love Black Walnut trees - both in the tree form and as lumber for furniture, carving, clocks, etc. It was my wish for the longest to have a Walnut Tree planted over my grave - or my ashes scattered beneath one - so that I could fertilize it.
I just have to find an appropriately accessible Walnut Tree in order to pull the plan off :)
My family has faced this as well. Somethings you may not know and may want to consider:
1. Cremation does not rule out being buried in a plot. My family has a plot in the midwest. They have headstones that will hold 4-8 names and dates. More if you get something pretty (read large). Plots in your ancestors town in the midwest, deep south, anywhere not in the middle of Los Angeles or New York are much, much less expensive.
2. Actual burial can be done remotely. You ship the cemetery the ashes in an approved manner and they add them to the plot. The technical term is to open the site and inter the remains, but basically they did next to the last box of ashes, and put the new box there.
3. Cremation does not mean you can't have a viewing, it just means that the sequence matters. :)
You can arrange for a viewing in a rented casket at a funeral home. Then you get cremated and follow step #1 and 2 as outlined above.
4. A service does not require a body. For my grandfather (who had everything pre planed and pre paid, bless him) died at home and was picked up and cremated by the nautilus society. That took a couple days. We where able to take the time to book the entire clan out for a massive memorial service in a church down the road from his house. The fees where minimal to non existent since he was a member, we then had a giant celebration of his life hosted by the kids at grandma's home. Grieving is easier when done in the middle of 50+ family over 3 generations. It's still remembered as one of the best family get together we ever had. Grandpa did not actually get buried for almost 5 months after that, but it was OK because everyone had said goodbye. The final burial was a small family service with the widow and her sons.
Summary: Die, have a viewing or memorial, get cremated, get mailed to the family plot in Minnesota and have a giant mausoleum built for the same price as the cheap plan at your local forest lawn. Rest easy knowing that the next 20+ people to die and get cremated in your family tree can share the cost of the mausoleum. It amortizes out over 4-5 generations. :)
dfreed - Thanks for the insight. Great points. I've actually been thinking along the lines of your #4. I'm not opposed to being buried, or having a memorial servie, or any of that. I just don't want my loved ones to be burdened with the expense and the hassle of arrangeing everything at the least convenient moment. #4 sounds close to the compromise I'll probably settle on.
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